I often hear of failed D/s relationships where the culprit is unsatisfied expectations. The parties involved reach a kind of impasse because something is not communicated early on about what each party wants out of the chosen connection. Certainly this has been the case as I look back on relationships of my own where it was not laid out clearly what each person wanted when the relationship commenced. But what if one or more of the involved parties does not actually know what exactly they are seeking due to a lack of experience?
Certainly a person with an amount of history in D/s has a clearer understanding of themselves and what they hope to get out of the partnership; they have had a substantial amount of time to gain knowledge of oneself and implement what they learn toward future connections. But is it reasonable to demand that of somebody who is relatively new to it? In looking back, I find that it is perfectly okay for some of these answers to present themselves during the actual journey, so long as all parties enter into it with the agreement of ‘exploration’. Perhaps a person has merely vague ideas and images of what it means to be a boy or even a Sir – and often these can be discovered as they go along. It’s a mutually agreed upon means of finding out what elements you respond to positively in the ‘fog’ of D/s dynamics. I call these your ‘beacons’.
I have been a collared boy four different times in my life, and each has been a completely different experience from the one previously. Going into the relationship, the Sir and I had a set amount of expectations, and these were laid out in the very beginning. But as many of us with experience know, these kinds of connections have a certain fluidity to them that causes them to change and evolve. Who the two of you (or three or how ever many) are at the beginning of the relationship is not going to be the same six months or a year later. Therefore, why not make an agreement that part of the time together will allow for discovering things you may find particularly fulfilling that contribute to your greatest growth. These are the beacons that propel you beyond your perceived limitations.
As I have shared before, I recently became a pup, and my Handler is a man who is completely new to the kink scene. In fact, he came into the relationship with little to no knowledge about D/s or pup play whatsoever – although he did educate himself a bit by reading the blog entries of pup Sirius. He just had an idea of what sounded appealing to him. So each time he and I get together, there is an unspoken agreement that allows us to ‘unveil’ the elements that he and I enjoy. This frees him up to try new things when he handles me and doesn’t pressure him into it having to be a certain way to please me. Now that being said I will share that the very first time we played he needed a shot of whiskey ahead of time to loosen up, particularly when he saw that I could ‘wag’ my tail. Let’s just say that’s become one of his favorite beacons…
Leather relationships are all about growth beyond how you have always known yourself to be. It’s a synergistic bond where the parties become stronger people as a result of entering the agreement of trust. If the parties agree to use that connection as a means of exploration, the pressure of expectation is alleviated. The Sir or boy can engage in play or and exchange of some kind without feeling the need to prove anything or elicit a particular outcome. This frees all parties up to hand themselves over to the experience with full trust and no attachment. The end result is examining how it was and determining if it was something to add to the foundation or to say, “no that wasn’t for me.’
D/s relationships may look very rigid and disciplined from the exterior and many of them actually are, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a certain amount of leeway on the ‘inside’ for the sake of discovery. Regardless of a person’s experience it’s unreasonable for each person in the connection to ‘get it right’ on the first try every single time. Providing feedback is essential for all member involved. If you are deep into the play and feeling things you’ve not felt before, it can be overwhelming. It’s okay if you don’t have words for it at the time but it’s always prudent to share with the Sir afterwards that it was something you liked and would like to expand on. Use the time together to create the backbone of what each of you wants and use that as a launching pad to discover the various other ‘beacons’ that make the relationship fullfilling. These will become a permanent part of the foundation and enable the unfolding of more and more.
To me, the greatest reward to being a Sir or Master or boy or pup is the ongoing reveal of who you are, and growing each time. Embrace that as your personal ‘radar’, and use it to seek out your beacons of experience.