That Occasional Need

*Contented grin*

I am blissfully reminiscing about an evening with the boy and the husband that was full of all kinds of devilish fun. Especially for me.

Usually when our boy comes over he spends a decent amount of time locked up in bondage of sorts. We think it’s good for him. Clearly it’s good for us. Everybody wins. But every once in a while, often without any kind of notice, I will get a sudden need to join him. I crave being the captive Sir who is put in bondage next to his imprisoned collared property. Or even better, the boy and my man suddenly join forces and opt to turn the tables on me and I become the helpless object of their devious afflictions – one of my personal favorites. We never question why these needs come up from out of the blue; though often they coincide with the overlying pressure of dealing with something in everyday life like finances or other mundane stresses.  We just acknowledge that yes, a sudden need has come up and it would be great fun to be somehow work it into the play festivities.

This all seems very simple to me, but there are many leatherfolk and kinksters that have a difficult time reconciling these desires, because they go against their ‘fetish identity’ as it were. As kinky human beings, we are very complex, not to mention illogical at times. The only true means we have of understanding something is through the language we use for it. We will have an experience of something, and attempt to use existing words to categorize what it is we are feeling and if none exist, we create them. But the problem with this is that labels and language are linear and we are using them to try to comprehend something that is anything but comprehensible, particularly when it comes to sexual desire. Some of you may know of my fetish for circus strongmen for instance, complete with being immensely aroused being forced to look like one. It’s odd, and silly yes…but it creates a gets a huge arousal in me and has ever since I was a kid. I have no fucking idea why and there is no existing ‘lexicon’ that I can align with to get my head around it. What I do know is the immense satisfaction I get from playing it out, which is really the only thing that should matter.

The challenge becomes even greater due our community’s ‘need’ to abide by the various labels we apply to one another; labels that go beyond how we identify sexually but how we are seen by our peers. We have put so much emphasis on upholding strict protocols of leather tradition that we leave no room to allow one another to explore beyond a given category. A person who receives great accolades from his or her community may receive the title of ‘Master’ for instance, and feel no charity if they suddenly wish to be adorned in a diaper and explore being a Little for a while. I believe that each and every one of us simply have those moments where we just want to not be the ‘tradition’. Constantly immersing oneself in maintaining a community ‘standard’ creates a kind of template that we may feel obligated to be restricted by. Yes, you may be well known as a Sir to everyone and a sought after Dom, but does it make you less so if occasionally you just want to be strapped into the sling and fist-fucked to high heaven?

With so much focus on things like contest prep or fundraising it can become very easy to forget that the most important mantra of leather and kink is that it’s a celebration of SELF. It’s embracing the fact that we all are on the island of misfit toys and together we can do incredible things for individual growth and a community that thrives. WE are the ones that get to color outside the lines, WE are the ones that not only say it’s okay to play in the mud but create full on parties for just such an activity. It balances us. If we feel ‘challenged’ by seeing a peer conduct themselves that appears to be outside the category we’ve put them in, our knee-jerk reaction is to judge. But that’s simply our own lack of self-acceptance being projected. Look at the recent uproar around various leathermen appearing in drag – the greatest amount of jeering came from our own.There is enough judgement coming from outside the perimeter of our culture, yet we’re the first ones to direct mockery within. As a leather community we must never stop allowing others to be who they are, and to do that we have to allow the same in ourselves. Live and let live as they say.

And a perfect first step is satisfying that random ‘need’ that may arise. Now…who’s next in the sling?