Author Archives: Sir Dart

Jump

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About 15 years ago, I participated in an ultimate thrill seeking rush. A group of friends asked me to join them in the Mojave Desert…to go skydiving. To this day I still consider it to be one of the most intense endorphin rushes I have ever experienced, far more than anything I’ve done in a playroom. I can still recall the huge “whoosh” of hot dry air rushing in with the deafening whir of the propellers of our DeHavilland Twin Otter as the door of the fuselage was raised, and the pit in my stomach as my turn was called. I can relive the look of the “Divemaster”, tethering my static line to the cleat, and instructing me to take my launch position in the doorway as my friends cheered on. Even typing this, my heart rate increases a bit and my palms get sweaty.  This was to be a monumental day for me.

You see, I am actually afraid of heights.

I mean, I’m DEATHLY afraid of heights.

I have a very difficult time being in a skyscraper or on the edge of a bridge looking at the ground below. The idea that I might possibly fall causes an immense terror for me. I even have a difficult time watching movies with scenes of rock climbing or cliff dwelling because of this phobia.

So why the skydiving then?

Well, I considered it a kind of experiment.  It was a chance to have a major insight about my fear, and engage in life regardless of it.

I wanted to see if I could experience jumping out of an airplane despite my fear of heights.  There was this inaccurate way of thinking that this fear of mine could somehow be “cured” by going on this quest. Perhaps they were two separate entities. Perhaps, it was something I was always going to have…but could take action anyway.

In that moment when I was getting in the doorway of the Twin Otter – and I will tell you, there is something very clarifying when you are dangling your feet outside an airplane that is several thousand feet in the air – the Divemaster saw that I was shaking, and that there was teary glassiness in my eyes. He knew how big this was for me. With a very kind, very fatherly grin he looked at me and said, “You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready”. And it was never clearer to me in that moment. Yes he was right. I could choose not to do any of this. I could choose to be scared, and let my fear control me. I could pass on my turn, take my seat again, and land with the plane, and my life would look just as it did before I ventured out on this great challenge. All would be fine. All would be recognizable. But …that’s not who I wanted to be. I wanted to know what skydiving was like…because it was supposed to be fun! I took a deep breath, looked at the Divemaster and said, “Let’s do it!” His eyes lit up, and with a huge smile he yelled “JUMP!” With great aplomb I pushed away from the plane…the air howling around my body…the image of the plane disappearing from my line of vision. The actual free fall was only 6 seconds….that’s what we’re told at least. In that moment I had no concept of actual time. But when the chute popped open – a sensation as intense as my first orgasm  – and I suddenly was able to see the amazing panorama of the Mohave as I glided down, I felt exhilaration. I had done it. I had acknowledged what I was afraid of, but I jumped anyway. And I had almost missed this amazing life experience. Later that day, I went a second time!

This brings me to present day, and a pivotal time in my leather journey, where I am now having clarity on another one of my most debilitating fears.

My biggest fear in life is a fear of abandonment.

Without going into maudlin detail, as I believe we all have a saga of some sort and sometimes as gay men we have a horrible tendency to try to “out-trauma” each other …but, I was an abused child.  In a nutshell, starting at the age of eight, I was mentally and physically abused by my stepfather, while at the same time being sexually abused by a neighbor.  It went on for years. All at a time with a mother that chose to not protect me.  Many of the things my stepfather did to me were outright devastating, and done all under the guise of “trying to make me a better child”.  Perhaps one of the most debilitating things he did was as a result of my “mouthing off” to him one day as I was standing up to the way he was treating me.  He later retaliated by having my dog put to sleep and told me that “if I fuck up again like that, more things will be taken away.”  Years later, I was sent away to a boarding school while my stepfather moved his son into my room.  A transition that became permanent. You can imagine the lifelong scar this has left.  Human beings can be cruel…and this is a reality.
Although I feel I have done extensive work in my life on this traumatic event and made tremendous growth over the years, I am now at a point where I am seeing much more clearly just how much this terror has been running me, and the choices I make.  I spoke of the scorpion in a previous blog post. I would like to stop stinging.

Herein lays the insight.

In my leather journey as a presenter, Sir, and collared boy, many of my reactions have been based on that past, as if it was happening again. When I do that, I am left with the pain of what happened then, and blind to what is actually happening NOW.

I have projected this problem onto others. I have tried to make others to believe that my fears were their responsibility. But as a dear friend told me recently, “this is my shit to own”.  No matter how much assurance I may receive, no matter how much I may be told all is “safe”, this demon will make me think contrary …as long as I allow it to.

Leather relationships enable us to take a deeper journey into ourselves, and in turn connect with those around us. Through the bonds of communication and honor, we have the opportunity to attain greater senses of self. And to do that, we sometimes have to face our greatest fears, and to simply trust. All the groundwork can be laid, all the concerns and all the hopes can be put on the table. A common goal can be reached. But in the final hour, we are the ones who have to choose for ourselves.

This fear will always be a part of me. It’s been inherent to my design, my being, and has shaped the man I have developed into. Many of my qualities as a leatherman have grown out of having survived the trauma of my past. There is an overused mantra of “just let go of your fears”. But this is not reality-based. There will always be triggers and pain to contend with. But, just like my fear of heights…the key is to learn to make amends with it, to peacefully co-exist with it, and eventually allow myself to engage in the present without being controlled by the darkness of the past.

I don’t know how to do this. But I know that I want to do it.

I am now back in the doorway of that airplane again, ready to jump. It is what I choose. I want to trust, because at the end of the day it simply feels better than not to. I don’t know what this looks like…but I am ready to jump. And this time, there is no parachute.

This time, I have wings.

About the Scorpion

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Yesterday I was very saddened by some news that a dear friend – who I consider to be a very honorable Canadian leatherman – shared with me. After much consideration and trial, he had to de-collar one of his four boys and release him at the boy’s request. The boy was not getting along with one of his brothers. They had apparently tried repeatedly to have some resolve in the situation, get to the source…but ultimately, the boy was simply unhappy with the presence of his brother in the family.To say that it was an emotional day would be an understatement.

I have been unable to stop thinking about the news since it happened. You see, I have a confession to make. I am a very territorial person, and when this Sir was describing to me his boy’s behavior, there was a lot I was able to identify with. With the boy, that is. In my leather journey, I have always been someone who finds something incredibly sacred in the connections I make with others, be it a play partner, a confidant, or a member of my leather family. Yes, I may be quite public in a lot of my interactions…certainly anyone who knows me knows I can be a shameless flirt at times…big shocker I know. But even in all that, there are a select few that I truly allow into my space…into that mental place where I can put all facades aside, be vulnerable and HUMAN, and open up my heart knowing that the person I’ve entrusted it to will nurture it and protect it with honor and grace. It is these bonds that give us the immense fulfillment we experience as leathermen or kink folk. That “protective love” that I speak of in my earlier post.

So when an outside force comes along that I perceive to be “infiltrating” that sacred space, trying to “take” something from it, and threatening my safe feeling of “home”, I react very defensively. Sometimes even destructively. The behavior is not unlike a scorpion that will readily sting when it is backed into a corner. And sometimes the stinging results in hurting the ones I love and cherish.

I am at a time in my life where I feel a deep sanctity in my leather connections. The challenges I have faced the past couple of years could not have been conquered had it not been for the immense strength, guidance, and love I received from the individuals that have come into my leather path. The times where I may feel anguish, I know I can always turn to my brother, my submissives, the members of my extended family or my Sir, and be given exactly what I need to continue. They are the ones that feed my soul. They are my home.

Unfortunately, the scorpion in me has also made its appearance recently in numerous circumstances. My Sir has been considering another potential newcomer to the family, just as the dealings of the previous one had been healed. My brother has a new boy that has altered the landscape of my relationship with him. Even my relationship with the community has altered as I discover certain individuals I thought were trustworthy prove me otherwise in their actions. The feeling of not being secure is very real, and it brings out a very knee-jerk reaction of fight or flight.No one wants to feel left behind. In fact, my Sir will often ask if my “tail is raised”. It’s not something I’m proud of…but it is something I feel on a very deep level. I have wondered if perhaps the de-collared boy from yesterday was feeling the same thing.

It’s a curious dynamic we face in leather. We put so much emphasis on inclusion and brotherhood and a feeling of unity, that sometimes I think we forget that our connections to one another are still sacred and not meant to be intruded upon by others. At least not without an invitation. Yes we may see a very dynamic couple or family or individual that has a certain spirit or charisma that we crave and want a part of…they may even be very public in their exchange. It doesn’t mean we’re entitled to come in and take a piece of it for ourselves. One might consider that trespassing. As an example I can remember once being hit up by a member of the community that wanted to propose a play scene where he was co-topped by my Sir and myself. He was attracted to both of us, and wanted to see our dynamic in action. Certainly the proposal was flattering, made with the best of intentions, and in the right circumstance could have been an amazingly hot time. But, I did also feel a kind of violation from the proposal, because I feel that what I share in play with my Sir is a very private, very special thing…and to share it openly in this only dilutes it and takes away from what I hold sacred. It wasn’t something I felt this person was entitled to take part in. It didn’t help that the gentleman never actually asked if we would be interested in engaging in this. Rather, he aggressively informed us that that was what he wanted. Big difference. Needless to say, the scorpion stung again.

So as I sit here pondering the sadness of yesterday’s de-collaring, and the boy’s character trait that led to it, I am left wondering: at what point does the scorpion in me stop feeling so scared? Is this ultimately what happens when his tail keeps stinging out of protection? When can I feel safe in allowing others in, and trusting that the sanctity of my leather bonds will remain unscathed? We all have our major life lessons…this continues to be mine.
And the hardest part of this lesson is in what makes the scorpion unique..he also has the ability to sting himself.

Protection

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I am at a point in my leather journey (good lord that’s an opener that is so incredibly overused – but I digress) where I have come to realize something very simple and basic…yet something incredibly easy to forget.  And that is that in leather, and in life, love equals protection…and it’s something we all want.  Whether it’s love expressed in the course of friendship or courtship, in mentorship or even play….what ultimately leads us into that place of trust and fulfillment, where we see possibilities in ourselves that we hadn’t seen before, and hand over all our fears and inhibitions to allow ourselves to grow….is that unspoken element where no matter what, we’re on somebody’s watch.  And we know it, we FEEL it in our core.

It’s sounds elementary…naturally we’re looking out for the person we care for, right?  Isn’t that an inane part of being a human being?  Certainly.  And as leather folk this is the kind of “tribal languaging” that is driven into our souls from the moment we step foot in our first play party.   But how often do we get caught up in all the things that “cloud” that ability to provide and nurture?   …our being burned somehow in our past, or our need to be competitive, or be territorial.  How many of us claim to be a friend or confidant to one another, when in fact we’re actually exercising an agenda at the other person’s expense?  Perhaps we don’t feel secure in ourselves and our connections, and our only recourse is to sabotage others.  It may not make us feel good, but it at least enables us to not feel “conquered”.  We may not even be conscious that we’re doing it…often the most destructive individuals are those that are engulfed by their own cowardice.  Let’s face it…we all have fear in this journey…and sometimes we even allow others to see just how scared we are.  Ultimately though, don’t we all want to simply feel protected?

As a leatherman, I have had the privilege and honor of being approached by members of the community who identify as Dominants, who for one reason or another have felt safe in exploring subspace with me.  In the course of our exchanges, something occurs where the person for one reason or another feels that they can trust the space with me, they can freely step into it and see what it’s about, be vulnerable…and then see how they feel after venturing there.  My own boy, Scott Bryen of Edmonton, was a prime example of this. Having been solely a Sir and Daddy for many years it wasn’t until recently he opted to embrace his submissive side.  I certainly don’t share this to “toot my own horn”…anyone who knows me well enough knows I’m humble enough lol…but, it did lead me to thinking about what was happening.  And why.  And in asking several of these men why they suddenly wanted to try being a pup to me or allowing me to rope up their bodies….there was a common component.  And that was that no matter how intense or even sadistic the play had become, they would always feel that they were somehow “special” to me in that moment.  That from the beginning to the climax, and through the aftercare…they were always going to be taken care of.

Every time I am made aware of this, I feel incredibly honored that this person gives me their trust.  I feel that alone is a kind of victory that must be cherished.  But it also leads me to think, “isn’t this simply our job as leather folk?”  I’ll readily admit that there is something incredibly seductive about being looked after by a caring eye.  Yes we all want intense power exchanges…sometimes with immense raging endorphins and a kind of abandon where an amazing catharsis of emotions and energy occurs between the players.  When you experience it it’s like a powerful drug that at times changes who you are and creates a bond that is almost spiritual.  But ultimately what is it that makes all that possible?  It’s the protective love we provide for one another.

I recently went through some emotional challenges in my relationship with MY Sir on the very subject.  Yes, I have a Sir of my own that many do not know of.  Our relationship is stealth to many, but I have an emotional and spiritual connection to him that has profoundly changed my life permanently, and I am a better Sir and leatherman as a result of it.  While you may never see him with me, you will see his mark on my back for the rest of my life.  A few months ago, he explored the possibility of adding another member to the family.  It was a person that for various reasons I was not on board with.  And to put it mildly, I became a vicious scorpion and stung everything in sight out of rage.  While I am not proud of my behavior…what was at the core of the issue was not this particular person, but rather my own fears of not feeling SAFE.  There was suddenly the possibility of another presence in our family that I equated with losing what I had kept sacred with Sir.  Were those fears real?  Most of them were not.  They were simply ghosts of my history rearing their ugly heads.  But the threat felt valid, and the damage I tried to cause was certainly very real.

Ultimately things didn’t work for the family prospect..and everything worked out on its own, happily without my terrorizing :). But it made me suddenly aware of something that we see constantly in our community.  Who else do we know or observe that exhibits that kind of “destructive scorpion tail” behavior?  I know each of you has names of your own as I have mine…that’s not what’s important so much as…why might they be terrorizing or sabotaging?  Have we ever stopped and asked, “what exactly is that person threatened by?”  Yes the easiest course of action is to simply write someone off as an asshole or bitch or a poser or drama queen.  And we’re all about making life as easy and enjoyable as possible in a journey that has enough challenges.  But, what would it actually take to stop and think, “perhaps they lost their security somewhere too”.    Sometimes simply taking that frame of mind gives you just the right amount of compassion, and ultimately, forgiveness.  It’s not to say that suddenly you’re bringing that hurtful person into your boundaries…but if anything, you can peacefully let them just “be”.  It’s a challenge I constantly have to remind myself of.  But I like rising to the task.

We’ve all had our times of wanting to just throw in the towel and abandon our journey in leather, and what comes up in our relationships in our path.  Many times we may even feel abandoned, or lost.  And yet, the reminder of what inspired our connections to begin with, that driving force…it’s our love for one another.

And when you feel that protective love, be it from a friend, lover, brother, boy or Sir, they become something else….your HOME.  And vice versa.

Play hard everybody 🙂

Interview tonight on the “Ask Lady Joan Show’’

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Hey everybody!

Really exciting stuff going on.  Tonight I’m going to be interviewed by Lady Joan of Ask Lady Joan via internet TrainRek Radio.  The show will be broadcast LIVE on the internet tonight at 7pm EDT, and in the later half we’ll be opening up the lines for questions from the listeners via phone or the chat feature on Joan’s site.  Lady Joan describes herself as a “sensitive, caring, sadistic BITCH” …..mmmmm my kind of domina!  This should be great fun!

Come join us tonight!

For more info: Ask Lady Joan

Houston, Tribal Fire and more…

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Whew!  This schedule looked intense on paper.  Now that I’m actually doing it I feel like I’m running a leather marathon.  So much to catch up on and a lot of upcoming stuff.  This is my life.

Tomorrow I head to Oklahoma City to present at Tribal Fire for my fourth time.  I’ll be presenting my Dance of Rope Bondage class, Intro to Puppy Play, and Genital Bondage. . .and word has it there will be a suspension performance from me sometime Saturday night as well.  The event is one of my favorites. . .the group in OKC is excellent and I feel they’re family to me.  And speaking of family, joining me this time will be my cub Dan, pup Argo, and Mistress Victoria.  We decided to make a lil’ “Canadian invasion” this year.  I’m very much looking forward to sharing these awesome people in OKC.

Two weekends ago I presented at Houston’s Spring Iniquity, the resurrected leather conference for NLA-Houston.  Fantastic event.  The organizers went all out in taking care of the guests. . the line up of presenters were top-notch. . .and the participants were enthusiastic to learn and expand.  It was truly an honor to have been included in this awesome event, and I highly recommend it next year to anyone thinking of venturing down there.  One interesting facet – all the men I tied up that weekend, were straight.  *shrugs* … just happened that way…

And finally, YES we have more podcasts coming!  I’m just finishing up editing them and they will be posted very soon.  Among the names of upcoming interviews are Sir Olivier Pratt, International LeatherSir 2007, pup Sparky, International Leatherboy 2007, and Graydancer. . .whom some of you may know through the Ropecast.  Stay tuned 🙂

*Deep breath*

Alrighty… time to go pack the rope.