Real quick, for those of you unfamiliar with what PrEP is, here is a basic explanation. The initials stand for Pre-exposure Prophylaxis, and it refers to an HIV prevention strategy where HIV-negative individuals take anti-HIV medications before coming into contact with HIV to reduce their risk of becoming infected. The medication works to prevent HIV from establishing infection inside the body. It does not protect against other sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy and it is not a cure for HIV, but it has been shown to reduce risk of HIV infection through sex for gay and bisexual men, transgender women, and heterosexual men and women, as well as among people who inject drugs. Currently the only drug that has been approved for PrEP is a pretty blue pill called Truvada. Recent studies have shown that when the drug is taken consistently on a daily basis it provides 92%-99% reduction in HIV risk for HIV-negative individuals. And of course I have to be responsible in saying that it greatly reduces risk but does not eliminate it, and should be used in addition to other safe-sex protocols.

Now the point of this article is not about the cash cow element of the pharmaceutical industry making billions off of keeping people like myself alive rather than curing them, or how people mistrust the findings of scientific studies and find them inconclusive, or how expensive these drugs are – and Truvada is certainly not a cheap date…

I get it. And I actually do ascribe to some of those beliefs.

What I want to talk about here is the interesting phenomenon that has taken place with the advent of PrEP use among gay men: the judgement of one another.

You see, sex is fun. And one thing that many gay men including myself greatly enjoy is barebacking. But with many sexual acts, there is an exchange of bodily fluids and therefore a risk for sexually transmitted diseases. For a very long time, the act of barebacking was considered absolute no-go red flag behavior. It was a surefire means of contracting HIV which for many would lead to AIDS and eventually death. The viral medications that we have now were not available back then and the few treatments that were available like AZT would lead to more complications and toxic side effects. Barebacking would also lead to other STDs which compromise the body’s immune system and make it more susceptible to contracting HIV. Basically, fucking without a condom was treated like a social abomination.

The landscape is different now, and what is happening through PrEP use is that many gay men are ‘re-embracing’ their sexual expression by enjoying barebacking again. There are men on hookup sites like Recon that include in their profile that they are HIV-, but on PrEP. Some even take it to a celebratory hilt by referring to themselves as ‘Truvada Whores’. Leather boys that are under consideration for our collar have taken steps to get on PrEP as they want to enjoy being sexually intimate, which includes enjoying my fluids. Inside of them. Sorry for being graphic but let’s call a spade a spade – when you are sexually charged up with someone, the experience intensifies when you taste their cum in your mouth or feel them unload inside you. The use of Truvada is allowing a lot of men to feel free doing this again, and other gay men are feeling confronted by that freedom.

For decades our community was being tragically affected by so many people dying of AIDS coupled with a lack of available treatments and an unsympathetic government. People were losing their jobs, their families, and their grace by the travesty of this horrible disease and the lack of education. The oppression and the struggle became a part of our identity. When the anti-viral cocktails became available, the environment changed and suddenly people were not dying left and right. My own friend Drew actually got kicked out of hospice because he was suddenly going to live! There was finally the hope and breakthrough that we were fighting for. But I remember there were those that didn’t know what to do with themselves because they’re ‘fight’ wasn’t the same anymore. It was an integral part of who they were, and they would try to keep it alive. We are at another new phase of the landscape of HIV, and plain and simple, it’s a game-changer. Those that are embracing it are being harshly judged by others for doing so. We are essentially sabotaging ourselves within our community.

I talked of this dynamic with my doctor recently, and she was fascinated as she is a huge advocate for PrEP usage. She was saying that something very similar occurred in the sixties when the Pill became available as a means of birth control for women. She was saying that many Pill users were being harshly judged by other women for this new birth control means, with accusations of being irresponsible and promiscuous. Women were embracing a new opportunity to enjoy their sexuality, and other women were shaming them for it. Jealousy of one another was being expressed in the form of ‘false concern’. I see the exact same thing happening with gay men currently.

Regardless of how you may feel about PrEP, the fact remains that it is a new breakthrough approach to effective HIV prevention and is laying the groundwork for future medical advances. To go on PrEP is a personal choice and one that every individual should educate themselves about when they do so. But let me just remind everybody that a person’s decision to go on PrEP and enjoy their sexuality ISN’T ABOUT YOU. Yes you may express your concerns about other STI’s or a false sense of security and all that, but ultimately what this person elects to do with their body and their sexuality is their business and not yours. If that makes you angry, that’s something going on with you, not them. Perfectly well-meaning strangers will readily express their concern about the safety of somebody’s sexual actions, yet would never say to the person, “you’re obese and that’s unsafe. You should lose weight.” or “smoking’s bad for you. You should quit”.  Also, if you have lost a friend or a loved one to AIDS – and almost all of us have – think about what they are saying right now as they are observing the shaming going on. Mine would say, “stop being stupid bitches to each other and take the damn blue pill.”

By the way I must share something ironic that happened recently. A friend of mine responded to my opinion on this with a tremendous about of vitriol, saying “you are promoting stupid, careless behavior that is justifying people to be unsafe and irresponsible.”

….he sent that to me as a text. While driving.

Additional resources:

Prepfacts.org

My Life on PrEP

My PrEP Experience Blog

Occasionally it’s bound to happen. You’re going to hook up with somebody off a kink hookup site whose level of experience is a bit less than what is publicized in their profile. So be it – it just means you get the opportunity to provide a mind-blowing first time for someone and that can be great fun.

My husband and I had this occur about eight months ago. We invited a young man over to be tied up and beaten on, with a focus on suspension coupled with some caning and percussion play. Okay, so he claimed to have had some history doing this in his online description but alas when he arrived he fessed up to be more of a newbie. We could certainly work him into it slowly. What was intriguing about this particular play date though was that the boy was quite tall – 6 foot 5 inches to be precise! Sir Bart and I love a challenge, and this was proving to be an enticing one, especially from a physics standpoint.

After some ground rules were laid out and a foundation for communication was established, we stripped the boy down and proceeded to rig him up in our suspension layout. Because of his size it was definitely a two-man effort and yes, we actually had to acquire a small step ladder to accomplish half of the restraining.  Laugh all you want, but the boy was moaning with pleasure. After we were satisfied with his mid-air positioning, we blindfolded him and buckled a thick gag into his mouth. Again, more moans of pleasure ensued. We continued with chaining his limbs out so he was completely helpless, and solidified the fact by inserting one of the ass toys he brought into his hole. He shook with delight at all that was being done to him.

When we were satisfied that he was alright in his airborne predicament, we asked if he was ready to play with some pain. He nodded his head with great enthusiasm, and Bart and  I looked at each other excitedly, ready to afflict. Bart attached a pair cruel tarp clamps to the boy’s nipples which caused him to writhe and swing, and I proceeded to snap a ball parachute on his jewels. Then we brought out the canes, and rhythmically hit his chest with them.

“How are you doing boy?” I would ask after each set of thumps. “Ready for a little more?” He would respond with a nod and I would continue, increasing tempo and impact. Sir Bart busied himself with the boy’s balls, progressively smacking them harder and harder as my caning continued. The boy was excited and moaning louder and louder and nodding his head inviting even more…

…and then, his head dropped, and he gave the verbal signal that he suddenly needed to stop. We promptly removed the leather gag and asked, “you alright boy?” He shook his head and was breathing hard.

“Sir..I – I can’t breathe. I’m -I ..oh god…” he said as he broke into a clammy sweat.

We knew exactly what was happening. He was basically having an overload of stimulus and endorphins, and was panicking himself into a bad headspace. I immediately took off his blindfold and gently grabbed his face. “It’s okay boy. We’ve got you. Slow your breathing down. You’re fine.”  Bart applied a cold wet towel to the back of the boy’s neck to alleviate any nausea as I gently stroked the sides of the boy’s head. “Calm boy. Slow breaths. We’ve got you. We’re going to bring you down.”

The boy focused on steadying his breathing as we unlocked the restraints and eased his tall body back to the ground. He was shaking and sweaty, and above all scared and what he was feeling.  So we brought him into the bedroom and laid his naked body out on the bed (again, a two-man job) and administered some aftercare. I laid down next to him and pulled his body in close to mine with his head on my chest, and ran my fingers through his hair to relax his mind and make him feel safe. At that point, he began to cry.

“Sirs, I don’t know what is happening to me. Why am I crying?” he said.

Reassuringly I responded, “Shh. It’s alright boy, you just experienced something very intense and it gave you a release. You don’t have to understand why.” Sir Bart then covered the boy with a blanket and just let him come down from the journey he took with us. I held onto him and allowed him to feel whatever he felt. His breathing slowed down and his body reached a calm state. We then brought in some cold water to hydrate him and some grapes to help his blood sugar back up. Frozen grapes to be precise – they are like crack if you’ve never tried them.  Eventually he felt like himself again and as he was getting dressed him said, “that was the most intense ride I’ve ever been on! Thank you Sirs, especially for taking care of me.”

The incident was a perfect example of why aftercare is such an important component of play. You are taking the sub on a journey where their breathing and heartbeat and ‘wavelengths’ are being brought up to a peaked level of intensity. To simply end without bringing them back down would leave them feeling ‘jarred’ into a kind of negative shock, and it’s not healthy in play. In fact, you could execute a brilliant scene as far as your skills and technique are concerned, yet negate all you created by not bringing the bottom back to a stable ground. This tall boy had never experienced this kind of intense play before. Had we not taken the time to actually take care of him and enable him to process what was going on in his body and mind, conceivably we could sabotage his desire to explore any kind of future kink play. That, would be a tragedy.

Incidentally, I feel very strongly that Doms need aftercare as well. We put a lot of energy and attention in taking the sub on a journey while being vigilant about their headspace and their safety. When the scene is complete, the Dom has worked very hard. I find it makes me feel ‘whole’ again to have my own means of coming down from a scene. Most anyone who has played with me knows that one of my favorite things after topping in a scene is having my back rubbed by the bottom. I know it sounds tame, but it really makes me feel connected to the person I’ve embarked on the journey with. It’s a non-verbal way of saying “thank you” for the awesome scene that was created.

And yes, the tall boy did offer to rub my back once he felt like himself again. And the best words came out of his mouth when he offered to do so:

“It will be my pleasure to massage you Sir. Did I mention I’m a chiropractor?”

It’s times like this where I LOVE being me 🙂

Photos of Sir Dart and Delano by Michele Serchuk

The title of this article refers to a term my husband created. It’s a particular approach he takes when somebody shares an involved kink fantasy they are propositioning with us.  My husband has a Tumblr page that many of you have seen; and if you haven’t, please have a NSFW look: Sir Dart’s PitBull . There you will find many pictures of our own scenes in our playroom, as well as some reblogged favorites from other sites. We have all kinds of fun with the things we have come up with and it’s been an awesome challenge crafting new devious things we can do to subs or each other there.

But it never fails. We will get a message on Recon from a fan of the Tumblr page, and they will seek to have us play out an intense long-term bondage scene with them. Now THAT’S an honor and very flattering, and many of these guys we would actually love to be the perpetrator of captivity for. So we engage them and find out the details of their scene, and what ensues is more on the lines of an epic 3-part film directed by Ridley Scott (which come to think of it would be a really hot theatrical experience). The person will cite the intense bondage drawings of Leo Ravenswood and the accompanying stories of men being kept at the Estate in strict 24/7 imprisonment, with an IV to provide necessary fluids and a catheter to dispose of body waste. “That’s how I want to be kept, Sirs.”  They will say things like, “I want to be turned into more than a slave, I want to be completely stripped and objectified and given no rights or privilege – caged and chained up and hooded and just be a piece of furniture with a barcode tattooed on the back of my neck showing your ownership of me, and kept like that for weeks…and I’ll gladly relocate from Belgium…”

Hmm.

Well, I mean, it does sound hot. In one’s head.

Now, let’s apply a little logic. Or as my husband would say, “take this scenario and divide by seven, and you’ll get what’s really feasible”.

I know of some guys – particularly younger ones who are more flexible and quite frankly have more energy – that can withstand a much longer bondage scenario, even overnight.  We’ll chat with guys online or at parties about things like mummification or some kind of sensory deprivation play, and they’ll tell us that the longest they’ve been wrapped up is 23 hours, and they want to break their record.

Hmm.

One of the devices that we have in our playroom is a bondage box that my husband built. It’s very confining and has multiple means of restraint both inside and out. It’s great fun to play with but the longest I have ever lasted in it is an hour. My husband holds the record of three hours. It’s not that it’s not constantly arousing or secure, it’s just that sooner or later, your body cramps up from being in the same immobilizing position. Or a limb starts to itch and won’t stop. Or you have to pee. Or…the novelty passes, and suddenly the hotness of the fantasy isn’t matching the reality.  We’ll tell guys of the duration of time that we’ve spent locked up in the box and they’ll come back with something like, “Oh I would last far longer” or more often “I don’t want to be given the option of being let out. I want to spend the night in it and be locked up for at least a day!”

Hmm.

Now take that desire and divide by seven, and you’ll get something that is a lot more doable for everyone involved, and in the end just as hot. I mean, I have no issue trying something like this, but bear in mind that as the top, I want to feel engaged with the captive sub. These proposed scenarios basically set us up to be more like babysitters, and after a while I’m probably going to get bored. It’s possible the sub might actually too eventually, and then feel disappointed that they aren’t going to last as long as their mind thought.

I can tell you of a few times where friends of mine have actually played out their detailed long-term imprisonment fantasies to the hilt, almost following their desired ‘script’ verbatum. What they describe is of course amazing, but they have also said that something odd occurred during the course of the play. They didn’t get hard. At all. Like, even when they were allowed to be aroused with absence of chastity, they didn’t. They said it was as if their mind was so blown away that they got to finally play out their ultimate dream that the synapses were in overdrive and they couldn’t process it – and thus not get aroused. Apparently this is quite normal. In fact one kinkster friend of mine described it perfectly with the analogy of getting married and all the anticipation leading up to the momentous ceremony. She said, “ask anyone who has gotten married how much they remember about the wedding itself. Most will say they hardly remember it.”  I would agree accept I remember my wedding very well, because I was clad in tight head to toe leather and cried like a big ol’ girl…

Know the limits of reality. They are okay. If your scene suddenly gets cut short because of them, it doesn’t have to be seen as a FAIL. Fantasies and the in-depth creations in our kinky minds can be boundless and infinite, and they should be. It’s our twisted imaginations that keep our desire to play ignited. Just remember though that an actual playscene doesn’t have to live up to the expectations created by our imagination in order to be fulfilling. Often when it comes to play, less really can be more. And this way the players are left with the rush of the exchange and not disappointment.

And that being said, below is MY favorite story by Leo Ravenswood, The Great White Hunter  🙂

When I first began learning rope bondage, I got very amped about getting to play with others and show them my new skill. Having been strictly a rope bottom in my twenties, I got excited at the prospect of finally getting to ‘turn the tables’ and tie up hot men myself. And sure enough, that’s how it all started to unfold for me. I would go out to bars like the Faultline in LA – one of my favorites – and bring a bag of rope with me seeing what kind of trouble I could craft. Everyone would have a bit of a buzz going on from the beer, inhibitions would lower, and out I’d bring a length to carry out the deed.

“What’s that for..?” they would ask coyly, often with a grin. And a nice little bondage scene would take place right there in the corner as I lashed them up. Other guys would watch with intrigue and give me their contact numbers to play, and eventually I began to be invited to parties and to teach at events.

As the months progressed, more guys would approach me asking to be tied up right there in the bar or to schedule a playscene at some point during the event. Sometimes it would be more than one, and immediately my weak ego was being fed. I drew this inaccurate conclusion of being popular and ‘desired’, and in turn setting myself up for great disappointment. Eventually as I continued playing and playing and accommodating other people’s dance cards, I would go back home or to my hotel room, and I’d feel empty. I didn’t understand why I felt that way, but it would get to be almost draining. It suddenly dawned on me, that I didn’t feel like the people I was tying up actually connected with me,  they just wanted the rush of what I could do with the rope. I thought, “oh gosh these people are drawn to me – doesn’t that just make me feel special” but the reality was, they were drawn to my skillset. I was confusing these experiences of others wanting me to do things to them as wanting to connect with me. I felt used.

I can remember a few years back when I accompanied friends to various events that we were all presenting at, and they would ask me, “Dart can you do me a favor? Will you tie up my husband at some point? Can you give my girl a bondage experience? My other half has trust issues but trusts you – can you do a rope harness on them?” It is a very flattering and honorable thing to be considered trustworthy by others in this fashion, but it can also make you feel a bit like a public utility. The problem with my friend’s requests was that some of the individuals I had no chemistry or attraction to, and to me the tying of the rope was a very intimate thing. So I would politely decline the request, and when I would diplomatically explain why, they would get offended. I wanted to say, “Hey don’t I have rights in this?”

As you learn new skills whether it’s bondage or pup handling or throwing a singletail whip, always remember that these are all an extension of yourself. Rope and other toys mean nothing until you infuse it with your own unique character and spirit. And that being said, it’s also up to YOU to preserve your energy and not let yourself become a carnival ride. The empty feelings I spoke of earlier were not the fault of the people I played with. They were all simply responding to what I was offering, and that was play without any kind of autonomy or boundaries for myself. It was my own doing that left me feeling so empty time after time.

Now if you’ve volunteered as a top for a sampler or educational event where people can come up and feel what the play is, that’s different. In those cases you have made yourself available and freely give the experience to others for the sake of broadening their horizons. If you are a bottom participating, even in those cases you must remember that the top is still using a great deal of their personal energy to share what they know. Honor that they are human beings like everyone else and may need aftercare of their own.

Keep this in mind as well if you are wanting to be on the receiving end of someone’s ability. If all you’re doing is focusing on what they can do, you are taking away from who they are; and you’re robbing an opportunity for a connection. Cherish that this person has given this extension of themselves to you and vice versa. To do so makes a cathartic exchange possible, and best of all leaves a possibility for seconds!

We should all strive to be an E ticket with one another!  🙂

Yes, after being strictly a handler for several years, it happened. Out of the blue, I found myself wanting to be a pup myself. I wanted to get on all fours with my leather mitts locked on my fists, my knee pads snugly in place, a collar on my neck and a tail in my arse that I could wag…

And yes, my pup name is Jet. Quite apropos.

So, how the hell did this happen? Apparently it’s a virus that lays dormant in the body for an extensive length of time until one day, it presents itself and you just have the urge. And when you do, all the other human pups smugly respond how they have been waiting for this day and that “they knew it all along” and blah blah blah. Or arf arf arf rather.

Actually the desire to explore being a pup came about from a suggestion made by a bondage playmate I was submitting to. One day he was threatening to turn me into a pup against my will and interact with me like that for the remainder of the session. It was honestly the first time I had ever considered being on the receiving end of a leash, and admittedly I was aroused by the idea. The time had come for me to have chew toys of my own.

And I have to say, it’s a blast. Sometimes with all the activity and being in charge that goes on with daily life, it’s great fun to get together with my handler Sir Brent (which doesn’t happen enough), get on all fours and play. There’s only the present moment when I’m in that mode – everything is just NOW. If it’s not in my present view, it doesn’t exist. And all I have to do is be on the receiving end of Sir’s love and affection, not to mention belly rubs. I like it because it’s simple; there’s not a lot of “rules” or extensive tradition-laden protocols we have to abide by. It’s very freestyle and organic, and we don’t have to deal with others telling us the way it’s supposed to be done. Now on occasion I will encounter a pup here and there who ascribe to the competitive “I’m more canine than thou” creed, citing claims that these newcomer kids just don’t truly understand and embrace the ‘pup spirit’ like the more seasoned hounds. Seriously? To me this is all about having a good time and freeing up in play. I’m not about to prove my authenticity by drinking out of the toilet.  Also, there are those who have been judgmental to leather newbies who choose pup play as their entry experience as opposed to be being a boy or a slave. They think it’s wrong that they are choosing what the apparent ‘trend’ is..

*Eye roll*. Calm down and throw me a squeaky. We’re all just having a good time. Keep it simple.

One other thing I’m really enjoying about this exploration is being part of an older demographic of pups. Puppy play is usually comprised of younger folks in their twenties and thirties, or at least the majority of what you encounter is that age range. To be a man in his late forties and be accepted as a kind of ‘alpha’ muscle pup that the younger pups look up to is a great joy. I actually have a pup brother named Spike who is of the same age bracket and body type. He is sexy and covered in tatts, and we have had many a hot scene, doggy style (I’ll let your mind go where it may with that). I also have a good friend whose pup name is Merit, and he loves when I address him as ‘beta’ as that is how he sees himself to Jet. There’s also Runt, Artie, Beast, Cobalt, Chopper –  to name a few; all dear friends with an added ‘canine’ benefit. Of course, sometimes in the mosh pit there’s the occasional wrestling match that ensues between pups in a fight for dominance. Hmm…wrestling with other hot human canines on the floor to achieve a position of power – bring it on!

*Wags*

Now to check out the new tails from Mr. S…